2015… It seems surreal… like a stardate in the captain’s log in a Star Trek movie, or when I was sitting in the Carousel of Time at Disney watching the decades go around. How did it go by so quickly? How did I get here? And why can’t I go back. Although I’ve read all the quotes: don’t look back, start anew, and forget the past…. The past is who I am. I will have to build upward from there, remodel, restore, refinish. I want to write out a timeline of my life and pick the good parts out with tweezers and construct a healthy, happy human being. But where to begin?
I’m going to write a book. If a high schooler I know can publish an Amazon EBook then certainly I can. That is my other task for 2015 besides remaking myself. I’m not sure which will be the most difficult, or which I have the energy to embark on first. It would be beneficial for both endeavors to adopt a fresh outlook from a different perspective. Allowing creativity to bloom and make something beautiful from a painful past could offer a lot of healing, whether it is a new “me,” or a new novel!
Okay, I’ll start the rebuild first. Do I want to keep the morally just bits, the charitable efforts, the obviously respectable portions of myself? I’m afraid of those non-respectable traits surfacing as well as the respectable ones. I may as well throw down the tweezers now. I’ll just start with who I WANT to be; a genetic project to create a new me altogether. Why not? I’ll do a bunch of symbolic stuff and then open my eyes as a new being. How I wish it were so!
I have had little control over the things that have happened to me, but I had all of the control in how I reacted. C’mon Marty McFly, let’s jump in the Delorean and go back so I can redo this. How much differently things would be now, and I grieve that loss. The loss of the future I would have had, had I made better decisions. Losses make up a huge portion of the emptiness inside me. Lost marriage, lost leadership role in my church, lost opportunity to adopt a child, lost dream and career opportunity to teach children, least importantly lost material possessions, and most grievously, I lost my brother, and lost faith and connection with my God.
So much for creating the new me! What sense is there in rambling on about my losses? So, what have I gained? I have gained a keen understanding of myself as a survivor, a realization of the strength within me to keep going, and a resolve to continue to do better. I know that I am strong, although most of the time I feel weak and alone. I know I am not a quitter because I did not allow my depression and anxiety to pull me downward while I was clawing my way upward. There is an inherent trait I get from both sides of my family to CONTINUE; to simply do what I have to do, day-by-day, as small as those steps may be. These strengths are the beginnings of the “new me.”
Some days I have wanted to doze in and out of consciousness on the couch with my dog, or fall in love with a book character and live in a fantasy world that can never be, but I take a deep breath and dive into responsibility and my love for creativity. Which brings me back to my book writing. I don’t even know what I want to write: My story, historical fiction, sci-fi/fantasy, self help, a children’s book? I have no idea. Maybe this will be the beginning of my book!
If you need help rewriting YOUR story, recreating yourself, and “discovering your own truth,” as Jacqueline Dawes defines our Lily Program objective at Brookhaven Retreat, I encourage you to inquire about what Brookhaven Retreat can do for you to help you rebuild yourself after loss, depression, or any other issue that you no longer want to define you. Speak to one of our staff today to see how the comprehensive, holistic approach at Brookhaven Retreat can help you rebuild who you are and write your own new story.
